Give Me Something To Die For
by Miss-Savvi
Summary: Why do you always come back to me, doctor? Each time you hurt yourself." Jizabel looked away. "Tell me the truth...you don't really want to die, do you?" Rated M for blood and later on Yaoi. Cassian x Jizabel.
1. Nights Like This

Gah! I have finally come to the decision to write some yaoi. At least, attempt to. No guarantees. It's gonna be terrible I just know it…so goes writing. Ha! I'm gonna be mean and not include the yaoi 'till chapter 2. Tee hee hee. Since I always think that certain songs belong to certain couples, try listening to "Far Away" by Nickelback, "So Close, So Far" by Hoobastank, "Never Gonna Be Alone" by Nickelback next chapter. This chapter, try some stuff by Carolina Liar…say "Something to Die For" since that's the name of the story. Otherwise "Show Me What I'm Looking For".

Give Me Something to Die For

The younger man winced as Cassian gently, or as gently as he could, pressed the clean white bandage to his superior's wrist, staining it red. This was the third time in nearly a week that the man had "accidentally" cut himself on something. The first time he'd dropped a scalpel and it sliced his arm. The next excuse was that he'd fallen and landed on a piece of glass which cut into his wrist. Finally, in the most recent event, he'd been mugged in the streets, and was wrestling the thug when he'd accidentally scraped himself. Cassian may have believed him if the "scrape" had been about 3/4th of a centimeter less deep.

He could see through the man's act. He'd been doing this to himself. And each time the "accidental scrapes" were becoming deeper. All Cassian could do was watch, and wonder why Jizabel always came to him for help afterwards.

Jizabel sighed as his assistant finished wrapping the cloth around his wrist. Neither of them said a word as the doctor got up off the bed, crossing the room to the door. Cassian opened his mouth to speak, but couldn't think of the words to say. Jizabel somehow knew that he had something on his mind, for he turned back, walking to the bed once more, and sitting on the edge of the mattress. He pulled the light robe over his shoulders tighter, and pulled the sleeves down when he noticed Cassian staring at his scarred arms.

Finally, Cassian sat down on a chair across from him, looking up at the younger man, who glanced away in return.

"They should be ok…but you may want to try and disinfect them tomorrow…" Jizabel didn't answer. "doctor?"

"I know." He snapped suddenly, trying to shoot an icy look at his assistant, but Cassian could see the fear in his eyes. It tore him apart inside that _anyone_, especially Jizabel, felt the need to do this to themselves.

"Alright…" he whispered in return, watching as the doctor slipped under the covers, pulling the silky sheets over himself.

"Please leave, Cassian." The older man nodded, unsure whether or not to leave him alone. Never the less, he crossed the room, hand lingering on the door knob.

"Well…goodnight, doctor."

_Please show me what I'm looking for…_

The truth was that the doctor was tired of living. Tired of being lied to, believing in 'love' was the most foolish thing he'd done. Love from his mother, sisters…his father…it all was the same. Love only ended in despair for him. And then there was Cassian. No. He didn't want to think about his assistant. Cassian didn't 'love' him any more than his father did.

_Save me, I'm lost. Oh lord, I've been waiting for you. I'll pay any cost, save me from being confused. Show me what I'm looking for._

The bathwater was running. Jizabel slowly knelt over the tub, holding a pale wrist under the warm water. He smiled. This time, he really would go through with it. He pulled the scalpel down his wrist, slicing into the porcelain flesh, watching happily as blood washed down the drain in a pinkish hue. _This _was all love had ever meant to him. Blood.

Slowly, as he continued to kneel beside the bathtub, everything grew numb. His eyes slid open and closed peacefully. Just as he'd thought. Death was just like slowly…slowly…falling…asleep. Only, this time, he knew that he wasn't going to wake up…

_Show me what I'm looking for. Show me what I'm looking for. Oh lord._

Cassian's eyes shot open. It was still late at night, or very early in the morning. Yet, Cassian was wide awake. Something just wasn't right. He scrambled out of bed, barely feeling the floor underneath his feet. He could hear water running down the hall.

"No…"

The only sound was Cassian's heartbeat in his ears. The only thought in his head was 'rescue him'.

The bathroom door flung open, hitting the wall with a loud crash. Immediately he scanned the room, looking for the doctor.

"damn it. Where the hell is he?" once more, his eyes swept the room. A trail of blood lead out of the door that lead to the doctor's bedroom. Quickly, Cassian followed it, scared to death of what he'd find on the other side of the door. He inhaled a deep breath, turning the knob.

The scene before him was a nightmare. Literally. There was blood everywhere. Staining the sheets, and floors.

Jizabel was lying, curled up at the edge of the bed, clutching the sheets to his wrist. A look of what could only be described as terror on his face. The recently bandaged arm was shaking as he pressed the white linen to the newest, deepest, most fatal wound he'd inflicted.

No matter how fast Cassian ran, it didn't seem to be fast enough. Finally, he collapsed at his superior's side. The doctor's eyes weren't responsive to his presence. He only lay there, shaking, terrified.

"doctor…doctor…please look at me!" Cassian shook the younger man's shoulder. Finally, earning a response from Jizabel, he looked him in the eyes, scared.

"Pl-Please Cassian…I don't…want to…die…please h-help me." His voice was hardly a whisper. Cassian pulled the doctor's arm closer to him, staring at the grisly cut that ran vertically down his wrist. The blood wouldn't stop flowing. Clearly he had _meant_ to actually kill himself this time. "there's…there's cauterizing medication…on the sh-shelf…" as second instinct, Cassian dashed down the hall, sprinting as fast as he could, finally arriving outside the doctor's 'laboratory'. It wasn't hard to find the medication. Thank god that Jizabel was organized…at least the shelves lining the walls were. He grabbed it, quickly running back to the doctor's room.

It was almost too late. Jizabel had collapsed to the ground, barely hanging onto consciousness. Cassian dropped to the floor, twisting the cap off of the glass bottle, and pouring a powdery substance onto the gash.

Almost instantly the bleeding stopped. A wave of relief swept over him.

Jizabel's eyes were closed lightly, blood smeared over his clothing, and skin. Cassian shook his head, gently scooping the other man from the floor.

"He'd be dead if I hadn't shown up…" Cassian whispered, feeling tears of anger and sadness build behind his eyes.

Once more, he took care of the other man, changing the sheets on the bed, and laying the other man on the mattress. He sat down, wiping the dried blood from his superior's face. Jizabel's eyes opened once more. Terror still filled his eyes.

"Please…don't do this again, doctor…"

_Save me. I'm lost._

I'm so evil. Poor Jizabel, poor Cassian. There will be yaoi next chapter. Oh yes yes.

But y'all have to review too.


	2. So Composed So Broken

Blinding sunlight flooded the room, but it wasn't a warm, welcoming light the poured through the curtains. No. It was the reminder that he was to live another day. Cassian, who had fallen asleep sitting in a chair next to his superior's bed, cracked his eyes open, shielding out the sun with the sleeve of his shirt as he made his way across the room to shut the curtains. The room was plunged into shadows once more.

There was no evidence to declare that anything had happened the previous night. Cassian had scrubbed down the bathtub, and sink. He'd mopped up the trail of blood that Jizabel had left when he run away from his attempted death. He'd even wiped down the other man's arms, which were scarred with red gashes and slices that tore deep into the pale flesh. No, nothing would indicate that anything had happened.

Surely others had noticed the doctor's declining sanity. It wasn't as if he ever smiled, well…unless he was looking at blood. Cassian shuddered. The worst part of being that man's assistant wasn't saving him from death on a weekly basis, but rather watching the sick way that blood and entrails fascinated him.

Jizabel moved underneath the covers, making a noise between a cough and a groan as he pulled the sheets over his head. The other man almost smiled. When he wasn't in control of it, Jizabel actually acted like a person. He hated waking up as much as the next person. Cassian recalled that the doctor had also been afraid of thunderstorms (that was a few years ago), and that he refused to eat radishes once because they "gave him a headache". Again, thinking back, only a year or so back. Although Jizabel would never admit it, he was a person. There were things he liked, and things he didn't. At times he'd blurt out the dumbest things, and he got sick with a cold just like everyone else. He liked to think of himself as isolated and alone, but in reality, somewhere deep down, he was just like everyone else. Physically at least…in a sense.

Again a small noise came from under the covers, and just as Cassian turned to glance up at the bed, the doctor practically shot out of beneath the sheets, barely gasping to catch his breath.

"doctor?" he ran to the other man's bedside, tripping over the leg of the chair he'd been sitting on in the process, and landing with a soft 'thud' on the mattress. "doctor? Doctor! Wake up! Jizabel!" the younger man's eyes shot open and choking breaths slowed down to their regular intervals. Jizabel fell back to the pillow softly, blinking slowly.

"Doctor…?" Cassian pulled himself from the bed, standing above the other man. The clock in the corner of the dark room began to chime. One. Two. Three. Four. Five. Six. _Thank god…_Cassian thought. Had it been any later in the morning and anyone else could have been awake…anyone…

Jizabel looked up at him, sitting up once more and rubbing the sleep from his eyes.

"what is it Cassian?" his voice was cold, but even Cassian could hear gratitude in it. Other than the doctor himself, Cassian was the only other person who knew that Jizabel didn't actually want to die.

"Nothing…" his assistant said quickly, and added, "I'm going to leave now…will you be alright on your own?" Jizabel nodded. Clearly he was too exhausted to try anything. Besides, the attempts never took place during the day. No. During the day he was Jizabel Disraeli, the doctor to the organization Delilah. He was not the card master's son, or Cassandra's pet, or a half-suicidal 26 year old _child. _He was serious, unemotional, perfectly composed at all times. At night, subtracting the times he had been taken prisoner by either his own father, or Cassandra, he could do as he wished. At night, no one could see him cry, or scream, or lose his mind and will to live. No one, but Cassian.


	3. No More Games

Hey! Guess what? I have decided to continue the story, great right? Oh yes, and maybe this is just me being extremely nerdy, but about that Radish comment in the last chapter, I added that in because I think that Radishes are the most vile food on the planet. I just ate one, thinking that maybe I'd outgrown my hate of them. Nope! Still disgusting! Radishes and eggplants. *shudders*

Cassian sat in the ally way, panicky breaths escaping his parted lips. Cold shivers raced up and down his spine. He kept telling himself that it hadn't been his fault, that none of this had been his fault. The sickening feeling in the pit of his stomach told him otherwise.

"You can die for all I care."

The argument that had transpired the previous night replayed itself over and again in his mind.

It had been storming outside, raindrops slipping down the window panes, thunder shaking the house. Another storm was going on inside of Delilah's headquarters as Cassian tried to wrestle the Scalpel from his superior's grip. Both of them had severe gashes when he finally held the blade in his hand. It was like the doctor became a different person when he got like this. Jizabel took a step back, almost like he was coming out of a trance, and collapsed to the floor. He clutched at the blood running down his arm, and Cassian regonised the look in his eyes: terror.

Ignoring the blood running down his arm, Cassian nearly sprinted over to the younger man's side. Jizabel shook helplessly, trying to stop the blood, but it only seeped through the cracks between his fingers. Cassian quickly slid his shirt off, exposing a series of slashes on his chest from a few minutes back, and held it to one of the more serious wounds. The doctor looked away, and Cassian noted a new expression on his face. Somewhere between regret, guilt, and sorrow. The older man ripped strips of fabric off, carefully tying them to the wounds.

Finally, after a good hour, he had bandaged the last of Jizabel's cuts. Dried blood still clung to his cuts, but that didn't matter. All that mattered is that he was safe. For now. Cassian seated himself across from his superior, who turned away slightly.

"Doctor," he began, and Jizabel looked up in a child like manner. "Why…why do you insist on doing this?" he touched one of the make-shift bandages softly. Cassian had a rough idea of what the doctor would say. "answer me, doctor." His voice was unusually sharp, and Jizabel cringed before whispering,

"I-," he began, almost choking on tears. He stopped, regained some composure, then answered blankly. "I don't know."

"Don't say you don't know!" Cassian shouted suddenly, standing up. "Obviously you _do_ know, or you wouldn't do this!" Jizabel looked away, and began to stand.

"I really do not-," he was cut off by his assistant who grabbed him by the shoulder, roughly turning him around.

"Like hell you don't know!" he had reached his breaking point after going nights without sleep, and being kept awake in fear that something like this would happen again. It always did. "Do you like the attention? Is that it? Do you actually want to die, doctor?!" Still, no reply. Cassian let go of the other man's shoulder, and faced away from him. Even seeing Jizabel's face right now made him angry.

"I-," the doctor began, but Cassian silenced him once more.

"I _know _that you don't actually want to die, if you did you would have done so already and now have been as stupidly open and obvious about it. You know damn well what I mean." He fumed. "Do you like the pain or something? Christ! I can't go on like this! Trying to save you every night is killing _me._" He took a deep breath. Just tell me, doctor…" his voice quieted to a whisper. For a moment, he had forgotten who he was dealing with. This wasn't a logical 26 year old "doctor", this was a fragile, sick _child_.

"I'm listening." Jizabel's breath was shaky as he began to speak. Cassian could feel tears in his voice.

"The reason is…I want my father…I want him to know that…I…" tears began to slip from his eyes and he fell back to the floor, curling into himself. Cassian watched, helplessly as incoherent words poured from his lips. Finally he said something that Cassian could understand,

"…I want to get hurt…so he'll notice that…I'm gone…and that he loves me." Instead of sympathy, Cassian felt rage building in the pit of his stomach.

"Is that…seriously…is that the reason…" Jizabel nodded, shaking relentlessly. Cassian controlled himself enough to bend down, and lift Jizabel's gaze towards his own. The eyes that looked back saw nothing in front of them. He was completely isolated to the outside world. Trapped in his fear.

"Doctor…I've always been here for you…I've always saved you whenever you do this to yourself…" Jizabel looked away. "I've saved you every single time you've needed me to!" he recaptured the doctor's gaze. "Why do you care about him when I'm always here?"

"I never asked you to save me." Jizabel finally said, coldly at that. His voice wavered between adult anger and childlike ignorance.

"Yes you have, doctor!" Cassian's eyes widened. Could he really have forgotten last week, the time where he actually would have died? "You always come back to me when you do this to yourself!"

"No, you always find me. Even if I don't want you to." His words cut like a blade. "My father…he will save me…I know it." Cassian released the doctor, and turned on his heels to leave. He was done playing this game.

"You can die for all I care." After those words had escaped his mouth, there was no back talk from Jizabel. No hesitation at the end of Cassian's words. There was no yelling, or screaming, or hitting or threats of death. The only word that the doctor said was,

"Go."

There was an instantaneous feeling off guilt in Cassian's heart as he obeyed, walking away so the Jizabel was all alone, only both physically and mentally this time.


	4. Redundant

So this chapter's not SUPER long but I worked hard on it so reviews are appriciated. I wrote this the day after seeing Green Day in concert, so I feel like I should include the lyrics to one of their songs. How about "Redundant"? Of course it's by Green Day XD. Oh and I feel that I should mention: the italic lyrics are Cassian's thoughts.

_**We're livin' in a repetition  
content in the same old stick again  
Now the routine's turnin' to a contention  
Like a production line goin' over and over and over roller coaster**_

It had been Ida who told Cassian that his superior had gone missing. The cardmaster had wanted him for some morbid task, and when Ida could not find him, she went to Cassian.

"What do you mean he's missing?"

"Well, he's not here…now is he?" she stated matter-of-factly.

"How should I know where the hell-," he began but stopped. "I'll find him." She nodded and walked away. That's when Cassian had begun the hopeless search.

_**Now I cannot speak. I've lost my voice  
I'm speechless and redundant  
'Cause I love you'd not enough  
I'm lost for words**_

Now, he was sitting on the front steps of one of Delilah's many headquarters, finally admitting defeat. Cassian was mentally kicking himself in the head. How could he have been so stupid?! To say something like "you can die for all I care," to someone who was already a head case was probably the dumbest thing he'd ever done.

He grumbled under his breath, still sitting outside on the steps. It was dark out, so no one was there but him. Him and a rat that scurried by, running into the sewer next to Cassian's feet. Cassian looked up to the sky, hoping for some sign of what to do.

"Well what was I supposed to say?" he said aloud. "Ok I'll keep rescuing you even though you hate me and your life and you actually want to die?" there was no response to his question. "Ah the hell with it…I'm sure he'll be alright. I'm just his assistant…He's an adult he can survive on his own!" although the words were true, Cassian doubted them.

His feet clicked against the street as he walked back to the doctor's laboratory. _Perhaps he's there and he's forgotten everything that happened last night like he always seems to every other time._

Cassian knocked on the door quietly before entering. No one was there. _Then again…perhaps not._ He sighed, sitting outside of the door. This really was all his fault. _Well what could I have done different? Lots of things...I'm so sorry...well of course I am! Now that it's too late! He's probably dead for all you know! You idiot! Cassian you really are stupid! A bloody fool-_

His thoughts were cut off by approaching footsteps. _Damn_.

"What are you doing here?" It was Ida, the Moon, once more. "Have you still not found Jizabel?" _Why should she get to call him by his name when __**I **__can't? _Those thoughts were tucked away when she spoke again.

"He's in the infirmary." Cassian felt his stomach knot. Still, he decided to play her game, seeing how long he could drag it out until she told him the news. He'd hurt himself again, this time seriously, and Cassian hadn't been there to save him.

"Is there a patient there?" She gave him a look that read 'do-you-seriously-not-know-what's-going-on?'

"I'm surprised at you, Cassian. He's _your _superior. You should be the one looking after him."

"What do you mean…" his voice wavered _Why should I care what happens to some like him!? If he wants to die let him_!. "I do look after him. He wanted to be left alone." She wasn't listening to a word that came out of his mouth.

"He's in the infirmary because he was…how should I put this?" the suspense was evident in her voice. "Let's say injured, shall we? Apparently he dropped a jar containing formaldehyde. The glass cut him pretty deep…well that and the fact that formaldehyde _is _a poisonous substance. I asked you if you knew where he was because the Cardmaster wanted to see if you were truly a good assistant and could keep an eye on him…It's obvious that you _are not._" she smirked a bit, as though this brought her some sort of joy; telling people bad news. Of course, it only made her happy because it made the Cardmaster happy. _She's worse than that guy, Riff…_ he thought silently, resisting the temptation to say the words aloud.

"but he told me to-," Cassian began but was interupted again.

"Oh yes, and the Cardmaster would like a word with you. That's all." She said walking away as quickly as she had appeared. Cassian sat, scared. Not only was he terrified about having to deal with a Alexis, on top of that, he worried about the doctor.

X X X

"Cassian, please, come in." his voice was eerily calm. Cassian walked through the double doors of the room. Alexis sat on a throne-like chair against the wall, Cassian noted as he walked inside, standing a few yards away from the man in front of him. "Do you know why I've called you here?"

_Yes... _

"No, sir." He said quietly.

"It's regarding your superior." _I already knew that much. _

"What about him, sir?"

"Ida told you about the 'accident' did she not?"

_Just get to the damn point. He's going to die and I'm going to be killed for not helping him like I should have!_

"Yes, sir. She did."

"I set you up under Jizabel's control because I needed someone to make sure that he doesn't hurt himself…he really is not careful sometimes. I _thought _that I had hired the right person for the job." _You try dealing with him, you're his Father, not me!_ He paused before adding, "Clearly I was mistaken." There was so much that Cassian wanted to scream and yell in that moment. Things along the lines of:

"Well you're to one who's driven him to this!" or "He's your own son and you don't even give a damn about him!" Those thoughts were quickly cut off, however when the Cardmaster spoke again. Cassian brought his gaze up to the man's in front of him. The eyes staring back were cold, and mocking.

"That is why I am retiring you as his subordinate. Is that understood? You are not to go near him, or speak with him again. Mark my words, or you will regret it. Now leave." Cassian did so happily, closing the doors again behind him.

For some reason it felt as though Cassian's world came crumbling in around him. Not working for Jizabel…it didn't seem right in his mind. And the more he pondered, the more he realised that he _needed _to see him one more time. One more time to apologize among other things.

_Why should you care? You're free! No more doing that guys dirty work. No more killing..._

Without looking where he was actually going, he headed straight for the infirmary on the far side of the building.

**____****Now I cannot speak. I've lost my voice  
I'm speechless and redundant  
'Cause I love you'd not enough  
I'm lost for words**  



	5. One Chance

It wasn't until Cassian stood outside of the infirmary door that he knew where he was. Just _standing_ there could get him in trouble. He was hardly aware that DELILAH'S headquarters had its own infirmary, but it didn't really surprise him. His chest tightened as he looked up and down the hallway before turning the doorknob.

The room was small, with doors surrounding a small desk that sat in the middle of the floor. Cassian figured that the doors led to the patients rooms, except for the one that was directly opposite of him which simply read "surgery". There was a puddle of light spilling out of under that door. His stomach dropped, and he carefully crossed the room, being extra careful to avoid making noise.

Just as he reached the door, it opened. Cassian froze. _Well... you've lived a good life… _he thought to himself, preparing for the worst.

"Mr. Cassian! What on earth are you doing here?" someone asked, and Cassian opened his eyes, realising that he'd shut them in some attempt to turn invisible. He suddenly felt very foolish as he looked at the person in front of him. Dr. Zenopia, the Hermit, and one of the only people Cassian could get along with in the hell hole that was DELILAH.

"Sorry Doctor…I was looking for someone…" the old man gave him a knowing glance.

"Dr. Disraeli? I've been instructed not to allow him any visitors." He frowned, walking over to the desk in the center of the room.

"but-,"

"I'm sorry, Mr. Cassian. Direct orders from the Cardmaster. You're not supposed to be here, are you?" Cassian sighed, vision downcast.

"I really need to know something though…" his voice was surprising quiet and sad. "Is he…is the doctor going to be alright?" Zenopia smiled, squeezing Cassian's shoulder.

"He'll be just fine, rest assured. He's in good hands." Cassian had a feeling that those words were more for comfort than truth.

"May I ask what exactly happened"

"I think it's best if you go now, Mr. Cassian. Your superior will be back within a week."

"He's no longer my superior." Cassian muttered. Dr. Zenopia thought a moment before saying,

"Is that so…well that's a shame to hear…but in that case then…well you really should go. If the Cardmaster knew you were here then..."

"_Mark my words_…" Cassian said. "That's what he told me."

"Leave, Mr. Cassian. I assure you that Dr. Disraeli will be alright within a few days."

Cassian left the room without further protest, but he had made up his mind. He _would _go back and see Jizabel for himself. He had no idea what he would do or say, but he did know that tonight would be the only chance he would get.


	6. Someone Cares

Why was it that every little movement seemed to be glass-shattering loud at night? Cassian stepped carefully through the hallways, as quietly as he could and yet each footstep sounded like an earthquake…to him at least. It had never occurred to him just how large Delilah's main headquarters were. There were at least 4 floors and there must've been hundreds of rooms. The hallways and corridors blended together after a while. Finding one specific room, the infirmary to be technical, was looking to be impossible.

Also, why was it that he could get to where he was not intending to go a few hours before, but now that he was actually looking for the infirmary he could not find it? Maybe if he thought about something else he would wander there involuntarily like last time. He focused his thoughts to his inner voice, that nagging logic in the back of his mind that seemed to ask

"What will you do when you get there?"

_"I don't know…I'll figure that out later." _Cassian turned down a pitch black hallway. _"damn. You really are dumb, you know that? It's not like he's going to apologize to you for acting like such a brat…he's stubborn and stupid. You don't need to worry about someone like that. It's too late for him." _That was the logic in him speaking. On the other hand, another small voice seemed to whisper to him. _"He's misguided. He needs you now more than ever, don't you understand? If you don't go to him now it WILL be too late…right now, it's not… He wants to see you, to see that someone cares. Imagine what it's like for him? He needs to be saved." _

"Saved?" Cassian said aloud, with a tone of sarcasm. What was he going to do when he got there? Sneak in, see the doctor and then… He hadn't thought too far ahead.

Just like last time, he somehow found himself outside of the infirmary. Next came the difficult part; sneaking in. The door wasn't locked, but getting it open quietly was a task in itself. He managed to slip through, though the room on the other side was completely dark. Cassian cursed at himself for not bringing a light before trying to locate one of the doors. He recalled the desk in the middle of the room, and the one directly across from entrance being the surgery room. That meant that he had to guess between the two doors on his left, and the two doors on his right.

He chose the first door on the left, opening it without a squeak. It took a moment for his eyes to adjust to the dark, but a slice of moonlight (or it could have been light from the lamp posts outside) illuminated the bed. Empty. Cassian sighed, ducking out of the room, and shutting it with a soft ;click' behind him once more.

He opened the door to the second room. Empty. Next was the first door on the right. Empty again. _Well at least I know he's in this one…_Cassian thought, opening the door. Yes.

Again, he let his eyes adjust to the lack of light, then he noticed the doctor, asleep on the bed. He was wearing a robe, and had kicked the blankets to the end of the bed. He slept on his side, facing the window. Cassian noticed that his ash-blond hair seemed almost silver in the small amount of light that had made its way into the room. Jizabel's eyes were closed and small, shallow breaths escaped his parted lips. He looked sick, perhaps on the brink of death…and yet, he looked _beautiful_. That was the only word Cassian could think of.

_"Ok, you went here, he's alright, now go." _The nagging voice hissed into his ear. Cassian shook away the logical thoughts for a moment, and further surveyed the scene. Something was wrong with the scenario that Ida and Dr. Zenopia had described to him. There were no cuts on his hands from broken glass as Cassian had expected…but there were two, thick, bloodstained bandages wrapped around the doctor's wrists. Cassian gasped. It wasn't an accident. Upon a closer look, he noticed that Jizabel's skin was paler than usual. A sickly shade of white, probably from blood loss.

Before he realised what he was doing, he was kneeling next to Jizabel's bed, crossing his arms on the mattress. He closed his eyes, it was late at night and he was exhausted. Just as sleep had almost descended upon him, Jizabel moved. Cassian practically shot up from the floor as the other man's eyes slid open.

"…doctor…are you awake?" he whispered, kneeling next to the bedside again. Jizabel made a noise somewhere between a groan and a yawn before turning over to face Cassian.

"…doctor…?"

"Cassian…what…what are you doing here…?" he asked softly. Cassian noted that his voice was strained and his breathing was still shallow and shaken.

"I…I came to apologize." He managed to say, feeling his face turn hot. "I shouldn't have said those things to you. I did not mean it." He gave Cassian a confused look, attempting to sit up, but instead fell back to the pillow.

"What on earth are you talking about?" that cold tone again, lacking any emotion.

_See…you were worrying for nothing. He doesn't even remember._

"Never mind…I'll go now, doctor." Cassian stood up to leave, but something snagged his wrist. It was Jizabel.

"I…I knew that you didn't mean what you said…I heard you talking to Dr. Zenopia earlier…"

"Doctor…" he needed to know what had happened. What the doctor had done to himself, and if it wasn't because of Cassian…why had he done it? "you have to tell me what went on a few nights ago." Jizabel turned away from him again, curling in on himself, holding a pillow close to his chest like a child might. "Please…" he felt his hand running through the younger man's hair. This action wasn't like him. Cassian had never grown attached to anything… at least not at Delilah. He quickly yanked his hand back, feeling his face grown hot again. The younger man stirred, sitting up against the head board. His former assistant got on the bed, kneeling next to him.

"Doctor…just tell me, please." Jizabel took a shaky breath.

"I-," he began. The normal confidence and superiority he had in his voice had faded. "I did this to myself…"

"Figured as much," Cassian said sadly, reaching out and touching his cheek. He had absentmindedly moved closer. "but why…?" Jizabel shrugged, covering Cassian's hand with his own.

"I don't know…"

"Tell me what happened." He took another ragged breath before explaining.

"I said that I did this to myself…"

"But Dr. Zenopia and Ida both told me that-,"

"I spilled formaldehyde and had an allergic reaction to it?" he shook his head. "I…that's not what happened…a good cover, but not what happened." He began to tremble, and Cassian moved closer, looking the young doctor in the eyes. There was no life left in him.

"I…did this," he motioned to his wrists. "first then…I opened a bottle of preservatives…and…and I drank it…because…The world would be better without me…because I really wanted to die this time…" for some reason, when he said those words, Cassian's heart sank.

"Doctor…please, listen to me. The world isn't better if you're not in it." Closer. He lifted Jizabel's gaze to his. "If I didn't care about you…I wouldn't have saved you. If you weren't supposed to be alive, you would have died already."

"Cassian I don't under-,"

"You're not worthless! Someone cares for you, Jizabel." The name escaped his mouth before he had a chance to realise what he was saying. Jizabel didn't say anything, but there was a quick glimpse of life in his eyes that was quickly swallowed away by the dark.

__________________________________________________

So ends this chapter! Hope you enjoyed, and I'm not lying this time when I say there will be yaoi in the next chapter!


	7. And I Will Get Lost in Your Eyes

_A/N: Alright, chapter 7 after much time has passed. I apologise that it took this long for this chapter to come out. The lyrics are from the song "Storm" by Lifehouse._

**Please read the lyrics as you read the story, or even listen to the song. It's seriously perfect.**

_How long have I been in this storm  
__So overwhelmed by the ocean's shapeless form  
__Water's getting harder to tread with these waves crashing over my head_

"Cassian…I don't understand…What do you mean…That can be no one cares for me." Cassian rolled his eyes, and sighed exasperatedly.

"Look, kid. I can't _make _you see that you're wrong, alright? But I will say one thing, any other assistant would have quit by now." Jizabel bit his lip, and quietly said,

"What does that mean?"

"Do I have to spell it out for you?" something in Cassian's mind made him forget all the formalities of calling him 'doctor', and all politeness had vanished. He was speaking completely out of line and he knew it, but he also know that Jizabel was not going to do anything, not in the condition that he was in right now. He was probably so drugged up on medicine that he barely even knew who he was…at least, Cassian told himself that to justify acting like such a brat.

"…Cassian," he sniffed a bit, sitting up from the bed once more.

"Do you honestly wish to know what I think?" Jizabel nodded slowly. The older of the two took a deep breath.

_I can't believe I'm talking to him like this. He's going to kill me when he gets better…_

"You act so smart, but you're not. If you were smart, you'd see that people care about you, Jizabel! That _I _care about you. You do stupid things for attention, you're not polite, or nice, or understanding. You're a child pretending to be an adult," Cassian stood from the bed side, and began quickly pacing the room. "A brat who's looking to get themselves killed. You don't care about others and even less about yourself!" he pointed a finger at the younger man, finally ending his statement rather loudly.

_If I could just see you everything would be alright  
__If I could see you the darkness would turn to light_

Even Cassian was surprised by his own words. Jizabel's eyes widened as he started his assistant down. For a moment, Cassian's stomach dropped. Was the doctor actually going to try to kill him in the condition he was in. He swung his legs over the edge of the mattress, standing up shakily. Cassian took a step towards the window in case he'd have to make a quick get away. The doctor moved surprisingly fast towards him, a hand outstretched. Normally, Cassian would have sprinted the hell away as fast as his legs would carry him, but something was different. The hand was not menacing, it was shaking, falling to the man's waist when he stopped a yard or so away from him. Jizabel's face was hidden behind his hair, and his gaze was cast downward. Both of them had forgotten that if Cassian was found there he would be better off dead.

Silence settled over the pair until Jizabel finally spoke, voice wavering almost as much as his weakened body was.

"…Cassian…" his voice was almost inaudible. "Is that- Is that really how I act?" Cassian un-tensed, taking the doctor by the hand, and tilting his chin up with the other one, their eyes locked. Jizabel's eyes, which normally held no emotion, were laced with tears, with hurt, and confusion. Not quite knowing what to do, he pushed strands of hair away from the young man's face.

"…No…Jizabel, it's not." He said quietly. "You're not a brat, or stupid…hell you're the smartest person I know, book smarts at least. You're just…you're still just a boy. You don't know any more than what you've been brought up with. Which I imagine are lies."

_Why the hell are you saying this stuff?…if you insult the cardmaster, you'll make him angry_

_And I will walk on water and you will catch me if I fall  
__And I will get lost into your eyes and everything will be alright  
__And everything will be alright_

The grip on Cassian's hand tightened and he saw Jizabel blinking back tears. A few diamond-like drops fell to the floor. He returned the gesture, holding the frail hand closer to him, against his heart, which he was sure was beating out of control. With little more than a short gasp from the younger man, he'd collapsed into his assistant, only not completely. He rested his forehead on the older man's shoulder, thin frame still trembling from the cold room, and from the sudden rush of emotions mixed with the state of his body. Cassian stood a moment, arms at his side now. He was not quite sure what to do, so he instinctually wrapped his arms around Jizabel's neck, being careful not to touch the scars on his back. It was slightly annoying that he almost had to stand on his tip toes to completely embrace the young doctor, but given the circumstances, he didn't mind in the least.

_I know you didn't bring me out here to drown  
So why am I ten feet under and upside down  
Barely surviving has become my purpose  
Because I'm so used to living underneath the surface_

Both of them would be lying if they said they didn't want to be there right now. Cassian found his fingers entwining in the soft, ashen hair. Jizabel felt his hand on the back of Cassian's neck pulling him closer until he could feel the other man's heartbeat so close to his own. Cassian moved his hands so they wrapped slowly around the doctor's wait, still being wary of the healing scars. Jizabel let out a small cry, and buried his face in his assistant's hair, tears falling uncontrollably from his eyes.

How long the two of them stood like that, neither of them knew. It could have been hours before Cassian finally relaxed his grip around the younger one, if only by a little. It was also in that moment that their lips met in a light, brush of a kiss. Nothing like Jizabel was used to. Cassian's eye snapped open, his breathing ragged, as well as the doctor's. There was a pause before lips crashed against Cassian's once more, this time with far more force. Cassian gasped. This was too strange. It had to be the medication he was on, lack of sleep, anything! Jizabel would never do this, and yet, Cassian tasted his lips upon his own, felt heat coursing through them both, saw his vision fading in and out as though the whole world was spinning out of control. The moment lasted until the doctor broke away for air. It took both of them a moment to realise what had just happened.

"You…you should go back to bed, doctor." He found his formality once more, and gently guided the doctor to the edge of the mattress, trying to figure out what had just happened between them. Jizabel nodded, sliding back under the sheets without protest.

"Stay here till I fall asleep…Cassian." He sat next to Jizabel on the bed, gently stroking his hair. He'd have to be gone by morning, but at the moment, he wanted to linger there as long as he could.

"Yes, doctor."

_And I will walk on water and you will catch me if I fall  
and I will get lost in your eyes and everything will be alright  
_

_And everything will be alright  
_


	8. Why do I do This?

_A/N- Hahaha! I left you all hanging in suspense at that last chapter didn't I? Yes, you all had to wait an inconvenient few days before the next chapter now didn't you? Oh I am bad. Just, maniacal aren't I? Alright, alright enough non-sense that's not why I'm babbling on and on…no, what I have to babble about is far better. Just as a note, I make up these stories as I go along, aside from a very, very rough sketch of an outline. So, yes, I have absolutely no idea how long this is gonna be or what the heck's happening. I'm also forgetting to do a project for school to write this, so you all better review! Oh yeah, and the stuff in italics (other than this note) are Cassian's memories/dream. In case y'all couldn't gather that. Lyrics from "Over and Over" by Three Days Grace._

_So here I go again_

_Chasing you down again_

_Why do I do this…?_

Why had he kissed him? Why in all of _hell _would he do a thing like that? Cassian's heart was slamming against his chest, his stomach was doing flips. Did Cassian kiss him, or had he kissed Cassian first? He ran his tongue over his bottom lip, still tasting the younger man upon it. A wave of heat spread through him.

He hadn't even bothered with keeping quiet as he finally left the infirmary, knocking a stack of papers off of Dr. Zenopia's desk as he made his way towards the door. Haphazardly, he put them back, practically sprinting down the hallway to the trump card's quarters.

It hadn't even sunk in what had happened until Jizabel had finally fallen asleep. Everything seemed so normal, so _right _until he took a step back to look at the situation. They had _kissed_. Two men…it just wasn't right…was it? Cassian shook his head, taking a moment to calm down before opening the door to a small room in the basement of DELILAH's headquarters. He needed some sleep, things could be figured out in the morning. Unfortunately, sleep only brought memories in the form of dreams. Memories that hadn't invaded his mind in a long while…

_"I know what you've done, and I'm telling you that it's alright. I know that you've been killing people to survive, and I know what you want…" Alexis grinned. It was like a giant shadow covered him in that man's presence. Cassian drew a knife from his pocket, holding it in a shaking hand. The man smiled again, chuckling to himself before adding, "Join us, and we can give you whatever you want," he took the rusty knife from the "boy's" hand, and tossed it to the ground behind him, drawing a silver blade from his coat and handing it to Cassian. "Say, a new set of knives, money, a place to say, food to eat…" Cassian eyed him suspiciously as he finally added, "the body of an adult?" _

_"What's the catch?" Cassian finally asked, trying to keep a tremor out of his voice. Alexis smiled again. Something about his smile was unnerving and terrifying._

_"No catch. Our organization needs someone like you. Someone not afraid to kill, and who follows directions. All you have to do is say yes…" Given the offer, he had hardly thought anything through when he said the word_

_"Alright, I'll do it." _

Cassian's eyes fluttered open. Daylight that had been gently peeking in before now flooded the room. He closed his eyes, pulling the blanket over his head with a drawn out groan. That was not a memory he'd wanted to recall. The day he'd joined DELILAH, it was like a blessing from the devil. A second chance at life, to get revenge on all of the people that had mocked him, to be encouraged to kill, to do whatever he pleased with no consequences of the law. It was great until he was assigned as Jizabel's assistant. Something about that man was like a curse upon him. Half of him wanted to kill the young doctor. He wanted to scream at him, and smack him upside the head, and call him a childish brat. He wanted to tell him to stop acting like an adult when he was only a kid…and the other part of him wanted to protect that child for as long as he lived. Those kind of thoughts only made Cassian feel more uncomfortable. He let out the breath he'd been holding, and reluctantly slipped out of bed.

_Over and over_

_Over and over _

_I fall for you_

_Over and over_

_Over and over_

_I try not to…_

What was he supposed to do now? Technically he didn't work for Jizabel anymore, so there was no point in going to the laboratory in search of him. Stay in his room all day? A frustrated sigh escaped his lips, and he fell back to the mattress.

_You have to go see him again…that child will probably end up doing something stupid._

"No way, after last time? Forget. It." He said aloud, finding himself in an argument with his thoughts again.

_You can't just kiss him and leave him, stupid._

"Yes, I can, and I'm going to." His voice grew a little louder. "Look, I can't help it if he'd rather die than live. Hell, in his position I doubt I'd be much different! Just shut up! Shut up! Shut up!" finally he was yelling, fists clenched, his teeth grinding together. Cassian closed his eyes, barely noticing a few tears slip from them. The drops stuck to his eyelashes until he blinked, then they rolled down his cheeks, dripping to the floor. "He's just…a kid…and last night…it was an accident…I can't go back there now…how the hell do I explain that to him? Oh, sorry I kissed you, my mistake!" He almost laughed, then buried his head in his hands, sniffing back tears.

_But what if it wasn't a mistake?_

"But it was. Spur of the moment thing. We were both tired, that's all."

_That's not all and you know it_

"Yes, it is. There's no other reason I would have."

_What if you feel something towards him? _Cassian's eyes snapped open, his heart beating against his chest.

"No…that's impossible…I don't." This time, he did chuckle a little, and shook his head. "…He's a bloody nuisance, and stupid among other things. He's annoyingly childish, and even more annoyingly ignorant. Jizabel…that imbecile…he believes all the lies he's fed, and doesn't trust anyone…how can _anyone _have feelings for someone like that…?"

_He doesn't know anything but what he's learned, he's confused, he needs someone, he needs you and you know it! No one else cares! _the room grew silent until all he could hear was his own breathing. A few moments passed before he actually did laugh quietly, shaking his head.

"Who am I trying to fool…? He's beautiful, stupid, but brilliant, just…beautiful…"

_So many thoughts that I can't get out of my head_

_I try to live without you but every time I do I feel dead_

_I know what's best for me but I want you instead_

_I'll keep on wasting all my time…_

…

_A/N: I really wanted to make that chapter longer...I could redo it later, but the next one will be better I swear. Jizabel's in it. Ahahaha and this one had the typical Cassian "why do I love him?" and "no one else cares about him but me" thing XD thanks for reading. Especially Sorryll, Suni, and Nemo! _


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